Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees. Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product. Mark Mayhem
Yesterday in my local TKMAXX, I went into the household bit and saw a non-stick frying pan with a price sticker on it. Who the are they trying to kid? Graham Wilson
'A little bit of what you fancy does you good' they say. It wrecked Gary Glitter's career good and proper, though, didn't it? Nick Pettigrew, London
I have never been a fan of U2 or Take That. Several years ago my two children bought a copy of U2's latest album and Take That's 'Back for Good' single from our local HMV. What I said to them was this: "You two can take back U2 and Back for Good by Take That back for good and that." I still find this amusing. Do I win a fiver? Bill Newton
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail
The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table? Magnus, Sheffield
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close, Headingley
According to Bill Bryson in his book 'A Short History of Nearly Everything', the vigorousness of a man's beard growth is proportional to the number of times he thinks about sex. This being the case, Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams ought to be ashamed of himself. Filthy beast. Mrs Yeoman, Kidderminster
Those speed cameras are useless. Whenever I see one, I just get out and go past it on foot. They haven't caught me yet! Larry Fist, Lloyton
I see former model Heather Mills has now turned to campaigning against the use of landmines. What a cheek! This is from a woman who with only one leg is only half at risk from the rest of us! Some people make me sick! (Anon)
I have recently started to fancy Jimmy Krankie. I'm not sure whether this makes me gay, straight or a paedophile. Can any readers help? (Anon)
SHOPPERS. When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed. Jason Orange, Manchester
SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings. Graham Marsh
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. Nick Pettigrew, London
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. A Langley, Broadstairs
The Ocean Finance advert say 'When you're in the worst situation you can imagine, call Ocean Finance.' So when I was kidnapped by Islamic Fundamentalist terrorists in Iraq recently, I gave them a call. To their credit, they swiftly arranged my release, had me and my family repatriated to Britain and combined all my debts into one easy to manage monthly payment. Well done Ocean Finance. Robbie Knox, Ealing
Returning to the office after a business meeting the other day, my colleague said "I have an important doctor's appointment this afternoon, you'll have to drive like the wind." I had to laugh, since the wind speed that day was 5mph, and it was blowing in a south easterly direction, the opposite way to the office. Needless to say my colleague missed his doctor's appointment. Ian Krender, Ascot
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. Nigel Austin
SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls. Dominic Rickard
DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation. Ian Knott, Working
